Making the Right Choice!

Have you ever seen an attractive brother across the room and to your surprise he came up to you and expressed his interest in you or you positioned yourselves to be seen by this fine hunk of a man, you exchange information, start spending some time getting to know him, talking on the phone, going out and perhaps even entering into a relationship; only to discover 3, 6, 9, or 12 months down the road that that lovely glitter definitely wasn't gold?  Perhaps for you it wasn’t the looks, but rather his 745i, the jersey with his name on the back or his profitable business.  

 I definitely have experienced making the wrong choice from several of these fronts.  What happened and why didn't we noticed his jerk characteristics before we got in a relationship with him or had sex with him?  How come we could not tell that he really wasn't into our mind and our insider beauty but rather just infatuated with our outer appearance.

As flattering as it may be, a guy, or lady for that matter, who is overly concern with the physical appearance often hasn't realized how to build attraction beyond the physical aspect which is a very dangerous and an immature approach to relationships.  I have done this more times than I care to admit.

I dated this fine brother and the basis for my decision was that he was fine and all the single ladies, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES wanted him and he wanted me.   So I jumped in head first, just to find out that I did not make the right choice.  Even worst after realizing I had made a bad choice within a few months of being in the relationship, I stayed in that relationship for FOUR years!  Talk about a waste of time!

As I look back, I realized that I didn't have any true standards to make the right choice about a boyfriend or should I say a potential mate.  In order for us to make the right choice, we must develop some standards about the kind of guys we will allow to occupy our time and attention.  Life is too short and it is no need to waste it with some Bozo.

Some people base their standard on the physical appearance; however, that gives you no indication about how that guy will treat you or conduct himself in a relationship.  To go on a deeper level, let’s look at his morals, values, beliefs, family background and how he is currently managing relationships in his life.  Let’s take a look of some of the standards I have developed for myself.  The first standard is the most important one and if you don't get the first one, none of the others really matter. So make sure you capture this.

1) The most essential standard for every Christian woman, a must have and absolutely cannot waiver is that he is a Christian.  And we are not talking about a title Christian here.  I am talking about a genuine Christian.  Does he pray? Does he read his Bible, EVER?  Does he attend church regularly?  Do the things he do and the things he say exemplify the God in him?  Can he lead you spiritually? Or at least on the same page you are spiritually with a desire for a deeper relationship with God?  This standard setup the foundation for all the other standards.

2.) The second standard I have is a guy that is not easily angered.  Pay attention how he interacts with other people.  Do the smallest things get him pissed off, like someone running late or a car cutting him off in traffic?  As small as this may sound, this may be a RED Flag or should I say a STOP SIGN.

3.) A guy that is not self-centered.  Does he spend most of the time talking about himself and getting his self fly?  Is your interests and preference not a priority for him?

4.) Does he have self control?  Does he always feel the need to be touching you or inquiring about being physical with you?  A man worth having is going to be able to control his desire for sex or other things and not try to persuade you to give up the goodie or even a kiss for that matter.  When you say no or let him know you are not with it, he respects it.

5.) Emotionally stable.  This is directly tied to self-control.  How does he handle situations when things do not go quite right?  How did he handled breakups in the past, sudden loses, or tragic events?  Is he always hot or cold? Does he demonstrate other extreme behaviors?

6.) Respectful. How does he talk to you?  Is it in an even tone or harsh or abrupt?  Does he use profanity around you? Or talk about your body or other women bodies in a sexual or derogatory way?  Does he respect your time? When he says he will be there at 8, does he show up 5 minutes before or a half an hour later?  Does he give your mother and other relatives his best?  Or is he nonchalant about how your family perceives him?

7.) The Company He keeps.  It is said we are most like our top five friends.  Who are his friends?  Are they Christians?  How are their attitudes and behavior patterns?   Do they have their stuff together or still living with mama or in that studio in the hood?  A man’s circle of friends is a good indication of who he is.

8.) Man of Character.  Is he honest or truthful?  Does he have integrity or is he the type of person that will do anything for money or to save it? Like lie on his taxes, marry solely for financial benefits, or deceive others?

9.) Age Limit.  If you are 19 years old, God's best for you is not going to be 30, if you are 25, Gods best for you won't be 40 years old or if you are 65 years old, God's best for you won't be 40 years old.  I've dated guys way outside of my age frame and the leading reason behind my decision was just being willing to take in the next decent guy that wanting me or took interest in me. And not being selective about who I let in my circle.  I suggest a one to five year age limit.  For my younger ladies, younger than 18 years old would be the one year age limit range, 19-24 years old the two to three year age limit and over 25 years old up to the five year limit. I have found with large age gaps some an equally as large gap in life experiences and maturity.    Of course there are exemptions to every rule but ask yourself why am I interested in grandpa?  LOL

10.) Status. God wants us to be equally yoke.  We are not just talking about having the same spiritual talk but also have similar life experiences, family background, relatively the same age group, similar level of mature emotionally, spiritually and similar status in life.  Can he pull his weigh financially in a relationship? If he is not doing it on his own, he won't be able to do it with you.  If you have your graduate degree it is nothing wrong with expecting your mate to value education by having his bachelors.  Again not necessarily required.  The thing here is to shy away from dating a guy who barely has a high school education and you are in the PH.D program.  Please feel free to borrow any or all of my standards or develop your own but I think all these standards are vital to establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship between two whole people.  I would say the first eight should definitely be a deal breaker.  The other two please tread lightly.  God bless you.  Until next time this is Jill signing off.

Credits: Title "Making the Right Choice" Inspired by Jeffrey A. Johnson of Eastern Star Church of Indianapolis, Indiana.