Resolving Conflict Between Friends

I remember back in high school where there were those girls who were known to confront someone based on a rumor that got back to them or when they had a disagreement with another person.  I can recall at the time how other students made it so taboo when one of these girls would confront them or someone they knew.  Sometimes these girls would bring a friend along to witness the whole situation.  Oftentimes people thought a fight would eventually breakout but often that was not the case.  As I have grown in Christ, I have learned that this type of confronting is actually a very important biblical teaching.   For in Matthew 15:18 if someone trespasses or sins against you, you should go tell him his fault and keep the drama between you in the other person.   If that person is bullheaded or try to be manipulative then you should bring one or two witnesses along with you.  If then that person still will not hear you out, then you are free to tell the world or scripture says you should tell the Body of Christ (aka the world ;-))  It is extremely important for us to confront our friends, family and even our enemies for the purpose of reconciliation.  This allows us to resolve any misunderstanding, to hold the offender accountable for their violation, and to maintain mutual respect.  More often than not, conflict arises out of differences of opinion of two parties or from sin (adultery, lying, jealousy, envy, proud, greed, etc.).  And sin born all types of emotions from a temporary feeling of pleasure, fulfillment to bitterness, resentment, and/or irrevocable hatred.  Because we all have our own minds that has been shaped by our family, religion, education, genetics, environment (regionally) etc., we all have different opinions on various issues, various beliefs and values, and even various attitudes.   In addition, our gender has a huge influence on shaping our perspective.  The fact of the matter is conflict is a part of life and no healthy relationship will exist without conflict (Larry Alan Nadig, PH.D 2012)  According to Dr. Nadig there are various styles of resolving conflict from avoidance or denying the conflict even exist, to giving in rather than working through the conflict, sometimes folks become angry and blame the other person and plays the role of Vicky (victim), “others are competitive and try to win; using their power and influence to control and get their way”, others appear to be compromising but subtly being manipulative trying to gain more ground, while others give up their self-serving pursuit and genuinely seek a fair solution which is known as creative integrative approach (Nadig 2012).   Growing up I practiced avoidance and denying, being fearful that bring up a disagreement or conflict would offend the other person, make me appear difficult/problematic, cause the situation to escalate or just out right end the relationship.  As I’ve matured well over into adulthood, I discovered conflict is paramount in order for me to have healthy relationship with others & myself and to avoid those negative feelings I mentioned above.  Conflict can sometime be a gate way to liberation; freeing us from holding all these feelings inside.  Prior to that time, I would foolishly suppress my feeling in the name of peace.  But I do not believe I am the only one who has practiced this type of conflict resolution.  I believe we all have suppressed our feeling at one point or another or act cowardly talking about others behind their back and refuses to address the issue that was bothering us.  Not only does this create an unhealthy relationship between us and the other person, but must shamefully it creates an unhealthy relationship with ourselves.  The relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we have outside of our relationship with God.  In effort to elevate our relationship with ourselves and others to another level, I encourage you to confront folks when something they do or say is not true or accurate or make you feel disrespected, verbally assaulted or just uncomfortable.  The best time is on the spot right when the incident occurs if you are not emotional charged.  If you are emotionally charge, pray about the situation, wait until you gain control over your emotions and then confront the person keeping the end in mind, reconciliation.  In order to achieve a creative integrative approach you should be prepare with one or two solutions to rectify the situation.  If you are the person being confronted, I challenge you to first seek to understand the other person, before seeking to be understood (Steven Convey).  Be respectful of the person's feeling and concerns and think of a solution to resolve the issue at hand and strategies on how to avoid this type of situation in the future.  Remember that this type of approach resolve problems and differences rather than the false perception of creating one.  Well until next time, that ti my time.  Be blessed!

Jill Bulluck
Co-Founder to Detour Movement Inc.