1.) Stop competing and start collaborating.
Now here is the curse, I struggled
not to see every venture as a competitive opportunity. Over the years, I found
this works well in some arenas especially games and sports, but it is horrible in personal and business
relationships. So I use to think when others were winning big and I didn’t
feel like I was, that it meant I was
losing big; all the while, totally
ignoring the fact about God's timing, whether or not, I had the capacity or the
thick skin that came with that territory.
If you find yourself in that place,
know that it is an insult to God for you to say, “You didn't make me good enough” or “You blessed her more than You blessed me.”
Know that you too have it in you and to
manifest what you have on the inside into results on the outside has
absolutely nothing to do with the success and failure of others. Honestly, this
competition mindset where one person has to lose for another person to win is
the very mindset that is keeping you stuck. Find me a successful person, and
you will find them behind an even more successful mentor or coach. So rather
than being an uncover hater; perhaps wishing it was you rather than her, make
an effort to collaborate and ditch the competition in these rounds.
In business, this could mean
doubling your impact and profit. Truth-be-told you can’t have a healthy
relationship at home or in the streets with a person when you want their life.
In that very moment, you are putting that person on a pedestal and you feel
just because she has more friends, income,
followers or whatever she somehow is more important than you. Often what they have is more problems than you!
It was Notorious B.I.G who said it the best; “mo[re] money, mo[re] problems.
Understand unhealthy competition can lead to covetousness which is a desire to
have something some else has. Focus on
what you have, your gifts, you talents; the only thing keeping you from living
the life you want, is doubt that you can.
2 2.) Let go of
jealousy and covetousness. Don't be an uncover hater.
Don't look at someone else's success
and think “man, look how far ahead she
is; that should be me.” Look at her
and say “wow, this is how it should be done” or “wow, there are so many parts of
what she did that you can use to be a better person, leader, or entrepreneur”.
Jealousy derives from a spirit of entitlement thinking because of the time,
money, energy or sacrifice you put into something, you should be at a particular place. I know this was my case, I grind hard in my
business and ministry with a goal to be a full-time entrepreneur and I should be further along than what I am today.
I would even argue the amount of time, energy, money, and sacrifice I have made is amongst the 90%
percentile in this field. Reality Check! It isn't about how many hours you
worked, how much money you spent, how much you
know or how many social gatherings you missed; at the end of the day, if you
aren't doing the right things, at the right time, with the right people; then all these activities are merely a great waste of time. I hate to be the bearer
of bad news, but it is the truth. I don't
tell you what I think; I tell you what I know.
3 3.) Confront
Your Past. You will never conquer what you do not confront.
After nearly 35 years of life, what
I know for sure is that problems and pain just don't go away; they have to be properly handled. At my investor, I face 20
to 50 problems every day. Each time I do my best to address the problem;
sometimes when I think I have resolved
the problem, I do but other times I don't, and it becomes
evident to me when issues, conversations, and frustrations keep arising about
the same subject that it haven’t been
resolved. It can be five days later or
five years later; the undisputed fact is that the problem always resurfaces
itself if not properly handled. The same goes
for past pain. I will never forget when I was a young girl and I lost my
virginity to a guy who was just playing a game. That left me with the deepest
scar of abandonment issues like you won't believe. For many years I confused my
fear of abandonment with my fear of rejection as if it was one in the same.
That is like giving a patient insulin which is for diabetes when she has cancer
and needs Chemo treatment.
Any issues left undiagnosed will
always be left untreated. After over 20 years of misdiagnosing myself, I began
my healing process. A lot of treatment happened after I got married not by way
of my husband, but through other relationships in my life. It wasn't until I
examined my business relationships did I see the resurfaces of the pain that
had not been properly addressed. My fear was that at some point my sister, my
business partner would leave me and start a competing business. As I write this, I am identifying more abandonment issues
as I recall when I was in a small child how I cried and cried after my sister,
Treal. Just say it was one rough day
when I was attending half day kindergarten and I didn't realized I had to catch
the bus without her. As Treal grew older, she would
not allow me to go with her. She teased me until I cried or got angry whichever
came first.
Unfortunately, it didn't stop there;
my mom left, and my sister was in charge
of babysitting me when I was about eight years old. That night, she thought it was a perfect
opportunity to sneak off to her boyfriend's house. Outside of fear, devastation
and panicking, I can’t tell you how I responded; all I can say is that it was a very scary night. Note to
parents and siblings, if you ever have to leave your children, make sure you ensure them that you are coming back and
come back. This may be a minor, silly
situation to you but it is the one I have always remembered.
To get over my fear of abandonment,
I learned that I have to walk through the possibility of any given person leaving
me aka abandoning me and deciding in advance how I am going to handle it; and work through different options and decisions
I can make to move on with my life. See, before getting married, I walked
through this exercise with my husband and my mother, but I stopped there; which
was my mistake. Every significant relationship you have, you have to walkthrough
this exercise. Every new relationship you acquire, you have to walk through
this exercise. This exercise helps you resist the urge to hold onto anything
longer than its expiration date. It frees other people from feeling they are
stuck with you for life. Every relationship is not meant to last forever.
You heard it
before; some people come in your life for a season, other for just a mere
reason. That reason can be to volunteer for a weekend, to inspire you or you
them, to introduce you to someone else, for a business venture, for a life
lesson or perhaps they are there for a lifetime.
Understand there are very few people who are assigned to you for a lifetime because as you continue to grow;
unless the people around you are growing at the same speed, your circle of
influence will evolve and it is okay. Take it as part of your journey and keep
it pushin!
4 4.) Dress for
where you want to go, not where you are. Show up how you want to be viewed.
As a former plain Jane, I was the
chick that didn't even wear earrings until after college; so I have a lot of
room to speak on this topic. Stop being lazy and thinking no one knows you, you
aren't trying to impress anybody. Truth moment: if you want to increase your
influence, impact, and income; you need to look like somebody and you need to
impress people to some degrees as no one follows ordinary. You can be rich and
not famous, but there are fewer people in this category and it requires more
start-up capital to start out that way or a really good education. If you have neither, then popularity should
to be you strategy!
The truth of the matter is; if you
want to impact and influence others, one of the fastest and cheapest ways to do
it is through relationships, and people that have a good image want to be around other individuals with a good
reputation. Call it shallow, stupid or stuck up but make sure you call it super-effective. Don't even waste your breath saying
you ain't going to change for people; you
aren't changing for them. You are changing to position yourself better and attracting the right type of people you want in
your life for your success.
5 5.) Pay attention to your body posture - just as your mind can
tell your body what to do and how to respond - certain positions and postures
send messages to your brain.
It is true that your body posture (which expresses your body language)
gives off a message all on its own. You can choose to be passive about it, as I had been
for the better part of my life. You can also decide to stop being lazy in a
near zombie state of mindset and start to be intentional about how your body
responds and how you position parts of your body from your hands to your
shoulders to your chin. Closed in (hands together, shoulders inward and
fidgeting are all signs of nervousness and lack of confidence; conversely, legs
shoulder width apart and hands on hips or in the air exudes more confidence.
I tried some of my new learned
technics from Valorie Burton’s book, “Successfully
Women Speak Differently” in an initially high
intensity meeting. I kept my legs
shoulder width apart, my shoulder broad, my chin slightly up (aka my head high)
and leaned in when he leaned in; initially
he set this meeting up to correct my perspective and approach on a particular
subject matter; however, it quickly turned into a more collaborative
non-threatening environment.
At that moment, my body language communicated, “I am not
intimated”; I am your equal, and you must treat me as such. Don’t leave anything to chance; be
intentional with every encounter you have with another human being. Stop making people out to be higher than you
regardless if they have a higher
position, rank or whatever. They are God's
amazing creation just like you! Be
committed to hold the space for your existence and never shrink in words nor
posture; as we use to say, you must hold
your own.
Now you have to stay tuned for Part II with the additional five tips!
If you are in the DMV, come hangout with me for my birthday & Talk Show Premiere Party Sunday, March 26th at 5PM EST! You will enjoy dinner, dessert and a deserving good time! Email me at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com for additional details!
Now you have to stay tuned for Part II with the additional five tips!
If you are in the DMV, come hangout with me for my birthday & Talk Show Premiere Party Sunday, March 26th at 5PM EST! You will enjoy dinner, dessert and a deserving good time! Email me at jillandtreal@detourmovement.com for additional details!
